She never misses an opportunity.
As soon as I kick my confidence into overdrive and gun the accelerator, her mouth starts running.
That’s not good enough! What are you writing for? Nobody’s gonna read that! No! No more running! You’re tired! You’re tired!
Ugh! Shut uuuupppp!
I’ve tried everything! I ignore her, she talks louder. I try to make her think that what I’m doing is not really important to me so that maybe she won’t start up. Dingding – wrong! I’ve even clamped my hands over my ears; more foolishness since her voice is inside my head.
So now I’ve got no choice. I’ve got to listen to her – not succomb to her; just listen.
I notice that her tone changes – rarely ever employing the same one to get my attention. And there are times when she gives up talking and I’m blessed with the blissful silence to actually finish what I started. Oh double joy if that could happen all the time! But she’s too diligent for that.
She tricks me sometimes too. She’ll wait til I’m almost finished with a writing project; make sure that I’m really happy with it and then I’ll hear her forming the questions:
Are you sure it’s good enough? What about that paragraph? Take a look at that. And what were you thinking using THAT word?
Or, I’m jogging along at a good pace, music pumping in time with my legs. Boy this feels good! Feels like I’m flying – albeit slower than a marathoner’s pace. But I’m flying nonetheless. I’ll make it around the trail once and walk a bit to rest. When I start running again, I can count on her putting in her two cents.
Why are you going around again? Can’t you feel how tired your legs are? Ok, you’re gonna stop at that tree up ahead. Didn’t you hear me? I said STOP!
Back during my early writing days and when I was just beginning to think about losing weight I realize now that I didn’t hear her as much. Maybe it’s because there was no need. I gave up easily back then. What did I need to write at home for? I was following my writing goals just by completing my assignments as staff writer for The AFRO Newspapers. By the time I got home, I was too tired to write and exercising at 9 o’clock at night was OUT of the question! Nor did I have time to exercise in the mornings. It doesn’t matter that I was a vegetarian who stuffed herself with enough carbs to feed two families. I was doing as much as I could with my life. I didn’t need to do any more.
That’s why she didn’t speak up as much then. I did her job for her just by not challenging myself. So when I did hear that voice of hers, I figured she was merely validating my decisions. She knew best right? I didn’t need any new challenges. When it was time for me to make significant changes in my life, I would know it and my little voice would be quiet. It never dawned on me that my little voice was my low self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence and if I never wanted to ever get anywhere, all I had to do was do her bidding.
Throw your goals out the window! Be satisfied with your life as it is! Forget about honing your writing skills. Don’t pay any mind to people who raise their eyebrows in confusion that you say you’re a vegetarian when you are clearly overweight. Forget them! Changing your diet and exercising is too hard!
Fortunately, I don’t respond to anything or anyone controlling me and thankfully, I caught on to her little game.
She speaks up when I press forward. She uses a quiet tone when I’m at my most vulnerable and easy to convince; or a harsh tone when I’m the most confidant with whatever I’m doing. She’s not encouraging me to give up on my goals and dreams. On the contrary! It’s a psychological move to get me to try harder! To push myself! To broaden my reach for everything I want in life and remember that I need a strong level of self-esteem and self-confidence will get me there!
I recognize her tactics now and while I’m grateful for them, I still wish I could shut her up!
- Writing a Novel in November (auroramorealist.wordpress.com)
- Decision, Exercise and Self Confidence are all connected (trainingyourmindset.wordpress.com)